Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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