my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I could fuck to npr.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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