A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i came on her dog
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
