put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
