I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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