I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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