he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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