Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
