we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
NoShamevember. You game?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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