Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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