Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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