Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
God I need to hump something, right now.
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