I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
