I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
