I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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