Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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