I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
