I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
