I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
