I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
