Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
