He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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