i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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