Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
