its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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