We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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