you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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