i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
