im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
