My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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