just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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