After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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