I can text with my tongue
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
