i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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