ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
