I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I could fuck to npr.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
