if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
