you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I will pee on everything he values.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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