I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
