I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
