My liver just broke up with me...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My cat gives me a boner
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
