just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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