Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
