I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
