Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
