I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
