I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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