I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
