how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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