why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I touched a dick in church today
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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